


beautiful thieves

by MaryPSue



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Balance Arc, Gen, wonderland elves backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 21:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12117981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryPSue/pseuds/MaryPSue
Summary: Barry meets them in the Felicity Wilds, on his search for someone to take the Animus Bell.





	beautiful thieves

**Author's Note:**

> Recommended listening: 'Beautiful Thieves' by AFI.

_(this is how Barry remembers it -)_

There are two of them; one male, one female. They present themselves as beautiful elves, impeccably dressed. Unnaturally so. There's no hint of dirt or wear on their incredibly stylish outfits from the road or the wilds.

That's the first thing that gives them away.

" _Looking_  for something?" the male asks, and there's just enough of a hint of mocking laughter in his tone to set Barry's internal alarms off. He was a fat kid who loved science fiction all through school, he knows when someone making a seemingly innocent request is actually making fun of him or setting him up to be the butt of some joke.

"Nothing you can help me find," he says.

"Well, isn't that a shame," the female says, with a sideways glance at the male. He returns it like he's reading her mind, and it strikes Barry how much alike they look. They could be twins. "Because that's what we specialise in, helping people find what they're looking for."

"There's no cost to you," the male says, picking up seamlessly where the female had left off. Barry gets the feeling that he's being presented with a sales pitch they've used many, many times. "But you will be, mmm...tested."

"The Felicity Wilds are not kind to trespassers," the female agrees. "And, of course, if just anyone was worthy to possess their heart's desire...well, everybody would be doing it!" Her laughter is like the tinkle of shattering crystal.

"Worthy?" Barry asks, and despite the seemingly-elvish creatures' knowing smiles, despite his own instincts insisting he should know better, he's suddenly interested in what they have to say. "What do you mean? Who are you?"

"Lydia," the female says.

"Edward," the male says. "We're...guides."

"Of a sort," Lydia agrees, with a sidelong glance at - he has to be her twin. Has to be. "And you are?"

Barry pauses.

"Sildar Hallwinter," he answers. "What  _kind_  of significant pause guides?"

...

They call themselves Lydia and Edward. They claim to guide people through Faerun on a quest for their heart's desire, but that they will only reveal the true location of the - object, artifact, experience, depending on the person - if that person passes a series of 'tests' set and designed by them, Lydia and Edward. They don't tell Barry what kind of 'tests'. They don't tell him how they came to be significant pause guides. They don't tell him how they come to possess knowledge of how to reach an individual's heart's desire.

It takes an embarrassingly long time before Barry realises who they remind him of. Like Taako and Lup, back at the press conference, before everything that had befallen them, a little cold and closed off from everyone but each other, seemingly careless but always, always watching. 

It's a scam. He knows it as soon as he makes the connection. He's watched the Taaco twins hustle enough losers to know what it looks like. Only, this time, Barry's the loser.

"Tell me," he says, watching the creatures that look like elves closely, "how many people have actually passed your 'tests'? How many people claimed their prize?"

Lydia and Edward look at each other.

"Well, it's sad to say that it's becoming very difficult to find someone who is pure of heart these days," Edward says, glancing over at Lydia every other word.

"But we do boast a success rate of - oh, counting that Cohen guy... Thirty? I would say a solid thirty per cent," Lydia says. Barry knows she's lying. She's got that too-sincere look Lup likes to use on him when she wants something.

"Tell me the truth," Barry says, and Lydia's face...kind of freezes. Like an animation that's only halfway loaded. "You never give anyone what they're looking for, do you?"

Edward laughs. Barry might be imagining the nervous edge in it. Lydia’s gaze is piercing, and it never leaves Barry’s face.

“What is it  _you’re_  looking for?” she asks.

“Something I don’t think you can give me,” Barry answers, thinking of Lup’s eyes, quicksilver in the light behind the conservatory. He reaches down, resting a hand on the hilt of the short sword he wears on his belt, under his robe. 

Lydia’s eyes narrow, and there’s something that flashes behind them that makes Barry’s grip tighten on the hilt of his sword. Something he recognises. 

It’s a strange suspicion, but - Barry already knows that these two aren’t what they appear to be. He throws out a quick Detect Magic and is nearly overwhelmed by the waves of necrotic energy pouring off of the creature - the  _lich_  - before him.

Barry adjusts his glasses, and Lydia’s perfect features crease in a frown for just a second before she turns away.

“Well, in that case, if you’re not  _interested_  in obtaining your heart’s desire -” she starts, but Barry interrupts her mid-sales pitch, turning to Edward.

“Do you know she’s a lich?”

Both Lydia and Edward freeze, staring at Barry. Then their eyes flick to one another.

“Whatever gave you  _that_  impression?” Edward says, but he sounds rattled. Lydia’s mouth is drawn, and Barry’s pretty sure it’s not his imagination that her eyes just spat red sparks. 

“Well, your girlfriend’s already losing her control and starting to break down into a creature of pure dark magic and homicidal madness,” Barry starts, but Edward holds out a hand, palm towards Barry, shaking his head seriously.

“Lydia is my  _sister_.”

“Okay, fine. Didja know your sister’s a lich?”

“Of course he does. We both are,” Lydia snaps. “How do  _you -”_

Barry shrugs one shoulder, and releases his grip on the short sword. “Takes one to know one,” he says, and both Lydia and Edward visibly relax. “Those aren’t real bodies, are they?”

“They’re constructs,” Edward says, waving a hand. “How else could anyone ever look this impossibly good?”

“And what would we do out in the wilds if we didn’t have all of our power at our disposal?” Lydia continues, eyeing Barry with an uncomfortably knowing look. “Faerun is a vast and very dangerous place. You never know what - or  _who_  - might cross your path.”

“Or what their intentions towards you might be,” Edward says, also giving Barry the hairy eyeball.

Barry thinks for a minute.

“Tell you what,” he says, at last. “You tell me how you’re maintaining yourselves like this, without flesh bodies and without going nuts, and I’ll tell you what I’m doing out here. Sound fair?”

Lydia and Edward exchange a glance that somehow holds an entire conversation, and Barry thinks again of Lup and Taako, holding a silent argument with each other over the breakfast table before Taako had scooped up his plate of eggs and stormed out of the kitchen in a huff.

“Sounds fair,” Edward says.

“Not really our area of expertise,” Lydia goes on, “but they do say that a change is as good as a rest.” Her smile is sharp and catlike. “So tell me, Sildar, what’s a nice lich like you doing in a place like this?”

...

Barry tells them his story. The condensed version, of course. He was part of a team of explorers who became stranded, far from their home, and were being hunted by a powerful enemy. He and his - lover, wife, soulmate - became liches to protect their family, in case their enemy found them again. He leaves out the part where this happened on another world. He leaves out the others' names, the location of the Starblaster, anything that might identify them. He leaves out a lot of things.

Lydia and Edward tell Barry their story, too. The condensed version, of course. They became liches in a desperate, failed bid to save their younger sibling - Barry nearly hands over the bell then and there - and started out supporting themselves through their sibling bonds. Then, when they discovered they needed more to sustain their sanity, they devised this significant pause guiding scam.

“There are so many delicious emotions experienced throughout a quest for one’s heart’s desire,” Edward says, a dreamy look on his constructed face. “The yearning...the fear that they may not ever reach it...the frustration, as the quest drags on and on...”

“The tests simply draw out more emotion for us to feed on,” Lydia agrees. “And keep the quester from getting too suspicious. If you tell them that the reason why they haven’t reached their goal yet is because they’re not yet worthy, because their heart’s not pure enough...well, it’s amazing what some people will do.” Her smile reaches her eyes, this time, and Edward gives a little chuckle. Barry's forcibly reminded of the time the twins replaced all of Lucretia's ink with key lime gogurt.

“So most of the time, you don’t even know where the thing they’re looking for actually is,” Barry says, and Edward looks thoughtful for a moment before nodding. “What happens to these questers, once they figure out there’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?”

“Oh, they don’t usually,” Lydia says. 

“They don’t often have a chance,” Edward agrees. “Adventuring is a dangerous pastime, Darry - can I call you Darry? You just seem like a Darry.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Barry says. “What, you just kill ’em?”

Lydia pantomimes shocked offense, pressing a hand against her gold lamé blouse with all the fingers splayed, like a spider. “If we did  _that_ , we wouldn’t be in business long, would we? Like my brother said. Adventuring is a dangerous business.” She pulls her hand away from her blouse, stretching out her arm to inspect her fingernails. “Usually we don’t have to.”

"Because they tend to get discouraged and give up after a couple rounds of being told they're not pure enough of heart," Edward clarifies. 

Lydia nods. "Usually it's on a multiple of three, too. I've never considered why that might be before now."

Barry nods, chewing on the thought.

"You won't go around telling people about this, of course," Edward continues, and despite his casual tone, there's an edge of threat to his voice. "We're telling you this in strictest confidence. Lich to lich,  _you_  know. If it got out that we never deliver, well...there  _is_  such a thing as bad publicity."

"Of course, of course," Barry agrees.

“So what brought you to the Felicity Wilds, again?” Lydia asks, leaning over Barry’s shoulder. He thinks of Lup's habit of draping herself over his shoulders whenever she's tired or wants affection, and shrugs her off.

"You got me. I'm looking for something," he says.

"Well, that's so vague as to be completely meaningless," Edward says. "What, exactly, are you looking for?"

Barry considers, carefully, what to tell them. The Animus Bell hangs heavy in his pack.

"I'm looking for...a guardian," he says, at last. "Or...guardians. For a very powerful, very dangerous artifact." 

Lydia and Edward exchange interested glances.

"What  _kind_  of significant pause guardians?" Edward asks, after a moment.

"The kind of significant pause guardians who won't let anyone who isn't worthy get their hands on the artifact," Barry says. He grips the hilt of his short sword, lets it go, worries the strap of his pack in one hand. "Look, you two are pretty good at keeping people from getting things they want, right?"

"Oh, we're the  _best_ ," Lydia says, her lips quirking up into a smile.

Barry nods.

"How would you like," he says, carefully, "to be able to actually put some truth into your advertising?"

Lydia and Edward exchange identical, shark-like smiles.

...

Barry doesn't see them again, after that. Amidst the destruction and devastation that the Grand Relics cause down on Faerun, he can't distinguish anything that's obviously the work of the Animus Bell. Taako's and Lup's relics, ironically enough, tend to grab the most attention.

And then Lup vanishes. And then Lucretia betrays them, and Taako kills him, and then Barry is alone, in a way he hasn't been for over a century. He's used to having a home. A family.  _Lup_. And now? Now, Barry J. Bluejeans has nothing.

It's almost a relief to be able to slip into his flesh body, to forget.

At least he has one comfort. The Animus Bell still hasn't surfaced. There's no sign of it wreaking havoc in Faerun. At least Barry made the right choice.

At least, this one thing went right.

...

 

...

_(this is how Lydia remembers it -)_

They took the bell off some idiot in the Felicity Wilds, some idiot who hadn't seemed to know the true potential of what he was hiding. She'd only mentioned Keats, and he'd folded like a house of cards.

Sentiment. She still can't believe how easily it makes people weak.


End file.
